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Marriage General

MY FAVORITE QUOTES
Collected by Phil Simborg

BUSINESS/MANAGEMENT

  • Everybody wants to build but nobody wants to maintain. [Vonnegurt]
  • A committee of three can accomplish much if two don't show up.
  • Never schedule a board meeting on Wednesday because it kills two weekends.
  • The person who writes the bank's commercials is not the person who makes the loans.
  • The way to make money is to buy when blood is running in the streets. [John D. Rockefeller]
  • The customer is not always right, but he's entitled to think he is. [Phil Simborg]
  • Money makes money and the money money makes makes money.
  • You don't need a $1000 meeting to solve a $100 problem.
  • Next week, a doctor with a flashlight shows us where sales projections come from. [Dilbert]
  • Consultants are people who borrow your watch to tell you what time it is, then walk off with the watch. [Robert Townsend]
  • We know there is a problem with communication but we are not going to discuss it in front of the entire staff.
  • Due to budget cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
  • If someone says you're not strategic, try to figure out what that means and then tell him or her to go to hell. [Richard Moran]
  • We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.
  • Rise early, work late, strike oil. [J.Paul Getty]
  • The customer's perception is reality. [Byrd Bagett]
  • Economists are pessimists: they've predicted 8 of the last 3 depressions. [Dr. Barry Asmus]
  • The greatest risk is thinking too small.
  • Let the business shape the organization, not the organization shape the business. [Richard Moran]
  • The factory of the future will be run by a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to make sure the man doesn't touch the machines. [Dr. Barry Asmus]

WORK:

  • Life is only in balance if you play as hard as you work. [Phil Simborg]
  • For every disciplined effort there is a multiple reward. [Anthony Robbins]
  • Everyone lives by selling something. [Robert Lewis Stevenson]
  • Don't ever confuse motion with progress.
  • If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. [Joan Rivers]
  • "I could have done it in a much more complicated way," said the Red Queen, immensely proud. [Lewis Carroll]
  • In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take many men many months to equal it.
  • Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life. [Confucius]

LEADERSHIP:

  • If you say something stupid and no one disagrees, then you know you're the boss. [Phil Simborg]
  • Just because you call the shots doesn't mean you're at the right end of the barrel. [Phil Simborg]
  • People don't change because they see the light. They change because they feel the heat.
  • An army of lambs led by a lion would be better than an army of lions led by a lamb.
  • There go my people. I must find out where they are going so I can lead them.
  • Anyone who thinks he or she is indispensable should stick his finger into a bowl of water and notice the hole it leaves when it's pulled out.
  • Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.
  • A good executive is a person who will share the credit with the person who did all the work.
  • The man who knows "how" will always have a job. The man who knows "why" will always be his boss.
  • The biggest guns in the company are the ones that haven't been fired.
  • It is dangerous to be right when the boss is wrong. [Phil Simborg]
  • So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work. [Peter Drucker]
  • Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
  • Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir man's blood. [Daniel Burnham]
  • Some questions cannot be answered, but they can be decided. [Harry S. Truman]
  • Any manager that can't get along with a .400 hitter is crazy. [Joe McCarthy]
  • All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions. [Adlai Stevenson]
  • If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there. [Lewis Carroll]
  • You can't be that good; you work for me.
  • When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
  • If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you'll be fired with enthusiasm. [Vince Lombardi]
  • A man is known by the company he owns.
  • A man's intelligence does not increase as he acquires power. What does increase is the difficulty of telling him so. [D. Sutton]
  • On a dog sled team, unless you're the lead dog the view never changes.
  • The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does.
  • A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.
  • The higher a monkey climbs, the more you can see of its behind. [Joe Stilwell]
  • If you live in a country run by a committee, be on the committee.
  • Always believe your superiors, if you have any. [Mark Twain]
  • Enthusiasm is caught, not taught.

NEGOTIATION, CONFLICT, COMPETITION:

  • If everyone likes you, you must be doing something wrong. [Phil Simborg]
  • The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong--but that's the way to bet. [Damon Runyon]
  • Being worse is no excuse for losing. [Phil Simborg]
  • Negotiations begin before we think they begin and end after we think they end. [Herb Cohen]
  • There are many victories that are worse than a defeat. [Geoge Elliott]
  • If you can't beat 'em, don't play 'em. [Phil Simborg]
  • Only a mediocre person is always at his best. [W. Somerset Maugham]
  • The first man gets the oyster, the second man gets the shell. [Andrew Carnegie]
  • We have met the enemy and he is us.
  • How come nobody wants to argue with me? Is it because I'm always so right? [Jim Bounton]
  • The two most common reasons for losing are: not knowing you're competing in the first place, and not knowing with whom you really are competing. [Phil Simborg]
  • How can there ever possibly be a conflict between my private interests and the public good? [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • Forgive me for allowing myself to be hurt by you so easily. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • Tell me again how much you agree with me. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • MAN THE BATTLE STATIONS! Someone's coming who wants to reason with us. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • If you keep groaning, please do it to a rythmn I can dance to. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
  • It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it. [Upton Sinclair]
  • It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult. [Seneca]
  • When the cat and the mouse agree, the grocer is ruined. [Persian proverb]
  • Mother is too clever to understand anything she does not like.
  • If you are going to bluff, make it a big one. [Amarillo Slim]
  • The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. [Woody Allen]
  • If you want to make someone hate you, explain to them, logically and politely, why they are wrong. [Phil Simborg]
  • The greatest cunning is to have none at all. [Carl Sandburg]
  • The squeaky wheel gets the grease but the quacking duck gets shot.
  • The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced.
  • One good act of vengeance deserves another.
  • You can't win if he has nothing to lose. [Phil Simborg]
  • Don't try to have the last word; you might get it.
  • Forty for you, sixty for me/And equal partners we will be.
  • If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. [Steve Bartkowski]

SUCCESS/FAILURE:

  • If at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving.
  • He who has never failed somewhere, that man can not be great. [Herman Melville]
  • The secret of success is sincerity; once you can fake that, you've got it made.
  • The shortest and best way to make your fortune is to let people see clearly that it is in their interest to promote yours.
  • Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  • If you want your team to win the high jump, find one person who can jump seven feet; not seven people who can jump one foot.
  • The beginning of success is to be different; the beginning of failure is to be the same.
  • Those who dare to fail miserably have a chance to achieve greatly. [Robert F. Kennedy]
  • I can not give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure: try to please everybody.
  • If you want to do well, sell people what they need; if you want to get rich, sell people what they want. [Robert Ringer]
  • Success is just another game, and only a fool takes any game too seriously. [Dr. Harold Bloomfield]
  • I don't like money but it quiets my nerves. [Joe Lewis]
  • If you fail to plan, you're planning to fail.
  • He tried for a corner on the market and now he has a market on the corner.
  • The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
  • There are many ways to measure success but only one you can spend. [Phil Simborg]
  • The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation. [Anthony Robbins]
  • There are few sorrows in which a good income is of no avail. [Logan Pearsall Smith]

ATTITUDE:

  • Try? There is no "try." There is only "do." [Yodi the Jedi]
  • Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. [Ralph Waldo Emerson]
  • Sarcasm is irritating and unsettling and should be used frequently. [Phil Simborg]
  • "Good" is the enemy of "better."
  • Fall down seven times, stand up eight. {Japanese proverb]
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • I would like to start from scratch. Where is scratch? [Elias Canetti]
  • Admiration is the purest form of jealousy. [Dan Simborg]
  • Don't be too hard on yourself--people do far worse things--haven't you ever watched daytime T.V.?
  • The world is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy to those who feel. [Horace Walpole]
  • Life is too short to be little. [Disraeli]
  • Why is it that so many of the important things are also the most boring? [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. [Nietzsche]
  • This life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed with a desire to change his bed.
  • Sometimes you need to just take the bridle off, throw the skillet away, and let the panther scream. [Gladiola Montana]
  • It's a small world unless you are a midget, in which case it is slightly bigger.
  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
  • I wasn't waving; I was drowning. [Stevie Smith]
  • When turkeys mate they think of swans. [Johnny Carson]
  • If you give a man a 100 year lease on a desert and he'll turn it into a garden. If you give a man a 1 year lease on a garden and he'll turn it into a desert.
  • Know the difference between a masochist and a sadist? A masochist says, "Please, please hurt me," and a sadist says, "No."
  • The fox condemns the trap, not himself.
  • Some object to the fan dancer, others to the fan.
  • Today, I will rely on the language of love and understanding. If that doesn't work, I'll go back to fear and intimidation. [Shanti Goldstein]
  • You can make your own omelet: either scramble your brains with drugs and alcohol, or just keep your sunny side up. [Phil Simborg]
  • Everyone thinks of changing the world but no one thinks of changing himself.
  • Worry is often a substitute for action.
  • People are more influenced by how much I care than by how much I know.
  • Humor is the unmasking of the hypocritical. [Mike Vance]
  • We are what we pretend to be. [Kurt Vonnegurt]

CHARACTER:

  • Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries. [James A. Mitchner]
  • There are bad people who would be less dangerous if they were quite devoid of goodness. [La Rochefoucauld]
  • We fall in love with a personality but we must live with a character.
  • If you see two fellows together and one of them looks bored, he's the other.
  • In any group of eagles, you will find some turkeys.
  • Tell me what you brag about and I'll tell you what you lack. [Spanish proverb]
  • Never trust a man who speaks well of everybody. [Churton Collins]

ADVICE:

  • If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don't do it.
  • Never repress anything but your pants. [Phil Simborg]
  • You are the creator of your life...why not create it heroically? [Dr. Harold Bloomfield]
  • Silent company is often more comforting than words of advice.
  • If you want to catch trout, don't fish in a herring barrel. [Ann Landers]
  • "How are you doing?" is a bad question to ask in a hospital. [Dan Simborg]
  • Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  • If it's on fire, don't lay down on it. [Rita Rudner]
  • Never sweat petty things; never pet sweaty things.
  • Never smell the inside of bowling shoes—especially someone else's.
  • If the shoe fits, find the other one.
  • Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow. [Aesop]
  • The pen is mightier than the sword. Yeah, right.
  • Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • The easiest way to be the best is to be the only one of your kind. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • Do what you know is right (but try not to get caught). [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • One ought, every day at least, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words." [Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]
  • The better the opportunity appears to be, the more likely it is you don't know all the facts. [Phil Simborg]
  • Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. [Bix Bender]
  • To participate in our lives does not mean we have to go to New Jersey. [Lee Ward Shore]
  • Always take the road less traveled, unless it's through Gary, Indiana. [Phil Simborg]
  • If you want to make someone laugh, tell him your troubles, Maria. [Spanish proverb]
  • Skate to where the puck is going to be, not where it's been. [Wayne Gretzky]
  • You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late. [Ralph Waldo Emerson]
  • If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.
  • Too clever is stupid. [German proverb]
  • Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
  • Only a fool tests the water with both feet.
  • Do not be like the parakeet, that says what he knows but doesn't know what he says. [Spanish proverb]
  • Don't look for heroes--be one! [Anthony Robbins]
  • Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. [Bix Bender]
  • If you want people to remember you, tell them something really interesting about them. [Phil Simborg]
  • First rule of holes: when you're in one, stop digging.
  • Don't wait for a crisis to discover what is important in your life.
  • Never put a razor up your nose--even as a joke.
  • If you don't laugh at yourself once in a while, others will. [Phil Simborg]
  • If you want to spend your vacation in out-of-the-way places where few people go, let your wife read the map. [Jack Carter]
  • You miss 100 per cent of the shots you never take. [Wayne Gretzky]
  • It is possible to leave Vegas with a small fortune...if you go there with a large one.
  • If you stop to consider all the options before you act, you will always know what to do next time. [Phil Simborg]
  • Learn what the magician knows and it's not magic anymore. [Richard Bach]
  • It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. [Philip Gibbs]
  • Never defend the oppressed unless you are prepared to take on the oppressor. [Ogden Nash]
  • If everyone agrees with me I reconsider. [Phil Simborg]
  • Save a dollar a day and some day you'll be sorry it wasn't two dollars. [Phil Simborg]
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • Show me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy. [F. Scott Fitzgerald]
  • There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, nobody knows what they are. [Sommerset Maugham]
  • Pack your own parachute.
  • If you have a bunch of clowns, you're going to have a circus.
  • Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. [George Burns]
  • If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe. [Abe Lincoln]
  • Don't give a woman advice. One should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.
  • Get a good education, then get over it. [Dr. Barry Asmus]

HONESTY/ETHICS:

  • One should always play fair when one has the winning cards. [Oscar Wilde]
  • The older a man grows, the faster he could run as a boy. [Red Smith]
  • Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true.
  • Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name. [Henry Kissinger]
  • I love to play with kids--they're fun to beat and easy to cheat. [Fran Lebowitz]
  • The cruelest lies are often told in silence. [Robert Lewis Stevenson]
  • When money talks the truth is silent.
  • Trust is the single most important factor in professional and personal relationships.
  • The louder he talked of his honour the faster we counted our spoons. [Emerson]
  • Everyone that doeth evil hateth the light. [John 3:20]
  • 94.5% of all statistics are made up.
  • The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere. [Anne Morrow Lindbergh]
  • No one ever became extremely wicked suddenly. [Juvenal]
  • Why ruin a good story with the truth?
  • Eats first, morals after.
  • Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake? [Woody Allen]
  • Deceit always rides a boomerang. [Phil Simborg]
  • Frank Harris told the truth only when his invention flagged. [Vincent Brome]
  • If I repent anything it is very likely to be my good behavior. [Thoreau]
  • Pay no attention to the truth. [Jules Renard]
  • One may smile and smile and be a villain. [Shakespeare]
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" until you find a rock. [Wynn Catlin]
  • Porcupines prick.
  • Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking. [H.L. Mencken]
  • A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes. [Mark Twain]
  • If you tell the truth once, they'll never believe you again no matter how much you lie.

KNOWLEDGE/WISDOM:

  • Learn, my son, with how little wisdom the world is ruled. [Julius III]
  • We do not know one millionth of one percent about anything. [Thomas Edison]
  • "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. [George Ade]
  • It's so simple to be smart...just think of something stupid to say, and say the opposite. [Sam Levinson]
  • I do not believe in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. [Thomas Carlyle]
  • Stupid am as stupid doo.
  • Dare to be naive. [R. Buckminster Fuller]
  • The biggest problem with stupid people is they don't know it. [Phil Simborg]
  • The great artist is the simplifier. [Henri Amiel]
  • Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
  • Problems that remain persistently insoluble should always be suspected as questions asked in the wrong way, like problems of cause and effect.
  • [Alan Watts]
  • As long as your butthole is still pointed to the ground, you will be learning. [Chicago cab driver]
  • If 50 Million people say a foolish thing it is still a foolish thing. [Anatole France]
  • Much of what we call intelligence is nothing more than the ability to recognize patterns. [Roger von Oech]
  • Knowledge is knowing. Wisdom is knowing and not saying. [Steve Bhaerman]
  • Wisdom is learning what to ignore. [Dr. Harold Bloomfield]
  • A wise man knows everything; a shrewd one, everybody.
  • The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
  • It's amazing how much research has gone into making some of the worst decisions. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. [Albert Einstein]
  • Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. [Pablo Picasso]
  • It's not what you know that counts...it's what you think of in time. [Les Aikman]
  • The beginning of wisdom is the definition of terms. [Socrates]
  • It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument. [William McAdoo]
  • One and one does not necessarily make 11.
  • Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. [Fran Lebowitz]
  • You don't know what you don't know.

AGEING/EXPERIENCE:

  • If I'd known I was going to live so long, I'd have taken better care of myself. [Jimmy Durante]
  • Time wounds all heels. [Jane Ace]
  • Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  • You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
  • You're only as old as the woman you feel. [Grocho Marx]
  • You cannot step twice into the same river, for other waters are continually flowing on. [Heraclitus]
  • When you win, you're an old pro; when you lose, you're an old man.
  • What is it about death that bothers me so much? Probably the hours. [Woody Allen]
  • You know you're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along. [Jacob Braude]
  • I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. [Martin Mull]
  • What is it about American fathers as they grow older that makes them dress like flags from other countries? [Cary Odes]
  • Sometimes I feel like a 20 year old, but there's never one around. [Milton Berle]
  • Grow old along with me!/The best is yet to be,/The last of life for which the first was made. [Robert Browning]
  • Growing old isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. [Maurice Chevalier]

HAPPINESS:

  • Happiness is nothing more than good health and a poor memory. [Albert Schweitzer]
  • Most people are about as happy as they make up their mind to be. [Abe Lincoln]
  • I felt sorry for myself because I had no hands until I met a man who had no chips.
  • Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air. [Jack Benny]
  • We tire of the pleasures we take but never of those we give.
  • The grapes are always sweetest on the slopes of a live volcano.
  • Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be miserable.
  • One can live well even in a palace. [Marcus Aurelius]
  • Happiness = Reality – Expectations [Click & Clack] H=R-E
  • Why do I always feel so much worse whenever I see things more clearly? [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • Why should I be sensible if it prevents me from being happy? [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • If your life is really full, nothing you will ever lose will make you very unhappy very long. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall in an open sewer and die. [Mel Brooks]
  • Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet. [Lewis Henry]
  • The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment. [Doug Larson]
  • God gave us memory that we might have roses in December. [James M. Barrie]
  • Decide, once and for all, that your happiness or unhappiness is primarily up to you. [Dr. Harold Bloomfield]
  • Happiness is having a large, loving, caring and close knit family in another city. [George Burns]
  • Life is full of cactus but we don't have to sit on it.
  • What a pity this depression had to come along just when times are so bad. [Carl Becker]
  • There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. [Richard Bach]
  • The tendency to avoid problems and the emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness. [Dr. M. Scott Peck]
  • Life is like an onion; you peel it off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
  • To wait for moments or places where no pain exists, no separation is felt and where all human restlessness has turned into inner peace is waiting for a dream-world. Henri Nouwen]

EXISTENCE, MEANING OF LIFE:

  • The purpose of life is a life of purpose. [Robert Byrne]
  • It is impossible to overestimate the unimportance of just about everything.
  • There is more to life than increasing its speed. [Mahatma Ghandi]
  • We're all worms, but I do believe I'm a glow worm. [Winston Churchill]
  • The hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. [Smauel Butler]
  • Reincarnation is making a comeback.
  • My reality check just bounced.
  • I doubt therefore I might be.
  • He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how. [Frederick Nietzsche]
  • Once the game is over, the king and pawn go back into the same box. [Italian proverb]
  • There ain't no answer; there ain't gonna be no answer; there never was an answer; and that's the answer. [Gertrude Stein]
  • Love is the only rational act. [Mitch Albom]
  • That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet. [Emily Dickenson]
  • Nothing in life has any meaning except the meaning we give it. [Anthony Robbins]
  • We're all in this alone. [Lilly Tomlin]
  • Life is not a brief candle. It is a splendid torch that I want to burn as brightly as possible before handing on to future generations. [George Bernard Shaw]
  • Sometimes it seems my whole life is a surprise party. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • I'm still waiting for some public reaction to my arrival on earth. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • Perhaps the world's only purpose is to give me something to think about. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • To me, it's always easy to choose between the infinite, the ultimate, and chocolate. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • I shall tell you a great secret my friend. Don't wait for the last judgement; it takes place every day. [Albert Camus]
  • What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. [Richard Bach]
  • What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? Then I definitely overpaid for my carpet. [Woody Allen]
  • The great challenge of life is to decide what's important and to disregard everything else.
  • Sometimes I feel like I'm just circling the airport. [Grace Hodgson]

GOD, RELIGION

  • If only God would give me a sign...like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. [Woody Allen]
  • Religion is comparable to childhood neurosis. [Freud]
  • There can be no Creator, simply because his grief at the fate of his creation would be inconceivable and unendurable. [Elias Canetti]
  • Thank God there are only 10 Commandments! [Phil Simborg]
  • Believe in those who seek the truth; doubt those who find it. [Andre Gide]
  • How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? [Woody Allen]
  • I wonder that a soothsayer doesn't laugh whenever he sees another soothsayer. [Cicero]
  • The animals do not make me sick discussing their duty to God. [Walt Whitman]
  • If you're asking God for a Winnebago, you may as well tell him what color. [ Tammy Faye Bakker]
  • You don't have to be dowdy to be a Christian. [Tammy Faye Bakker]
  • I do not believe in God...I believe in cashmere. [Fran Lebowitz]
  • "A philosopher," said the theologian, "is like a blind man in a darkened room looking for a black cat that isn't there." "That's right," the philosopher replied, "and if he were a theologian, he'd find it."
  • When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. And that is my religion. [Abraham Lincoln]
  • The only Zen you will find on the top of a mountain is the Zen you bring with you. [Robert Pirsig]
  • If I were God, I would be ashamed of myself. [Phil Simborg]
  • Beware the man whose God is in the sky. [Geroge Bernard Shaw]
  • In religion, man denies his reason. [Ludwig Fuerbach]
  • If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. [Thomas Szasz]
  • I don't believe in God because I don't believe in Mother Goose. [Clarence Darrow]
  • By the year 2000 we will, I hope, raise our children to believe in human potential, not God. [Gloria Steinam]
  • God has always been hard on the poor. [Jean-Paul Marat]
  • "Faith" means not wanting to know what is true. [Nietzsche]
  • This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it. [John Adams]
  • If God made the world, I would not be that God, for the misery of the world would break my heart. [Schopenhauer]
  • A good life is the only religion. [Thomas Fuller]
  • When you've worshipped one omnipotent god, you've worshipped them all. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • I'm perfectly willing to compromise, but God want's to have everything his own way. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • Every time I try to take a new lease out on life, the landlord raises the rent. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile! [Kurt Vonnegurt]
  • My country is the world, and my religion is to do good. [Thomas Paine]
  • If triangles made a god they would give him three sides.
  • I determine who is a Jew. [Hermann Goering]
  • If God has spoken, why is not the universe convinced? [Paul Henri Holbach]
  • Onward Christian soldiers, rip and tear and smite!/Let the gentle Jesus bless your dynamite. [Joe Hill]

SEX:

  • I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural and wholesome thing that money can buy. [Steve Martin]
  • A woman seeks one man to fill her every need; a man seeks every woman to fill his one need.
  • My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. [Emo Philips]
  • Sex between a man and a woman can be great, provided you get between the right man and the right woman. [Woody Allen]
  • I'd go a million miles for one of your smiles…and even further for that thing you do with your tongue.
  • When it comes to sex, women need a reason; men need a place. [Billy Crystal]
  • I think sex on TV is fine as long as you don't fall off. [Woody Allen]
  • Sex is a two-way treat.

LOVE/MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIPS:

  • If love be good, from whence cometh my woe? [Chaucer]
  • None but the brave can life with the fair.
  • Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity.
  • All I want is someone to hold me. And pay me for it. [Phil Simborg]
  • I miss my husband, but my aim is getting better.
  • She cried and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
  • I married Ms. Right. I just didn't know her first name was "always."
  • No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
  • The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
  • Love is the only rational act. [Mitch Albom]
  • The two dumbest things I ever said were, "I do." [Phil Simborg]
  • Most of what I've learned about happiness and misery I've learned since I met you. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • There's only one way to find out my innermost thoughts...ask my wife. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • Eighty percent of men cheat in America; the rest cheat overseas. [Jackie Mason]
  • When the heart is full, the head is empty. [Phil Simborg]
  • People change and forget to tell each other. [Lillian Hellman]
  • The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost. [G.K. Chesterton]
  • The key to a happy marriage: never have an in-depth conversation with your spouse. [Jackie Simborg]
  • Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. [Maryon Pearson]
  • My wife believes that a romantic setting has a diamond in it.
  • Love is a many-gendered thing.
  • I pretend to listen….what more does she want? [Matt Groening—Life in Hell]
  • Marriages don't work when one is happy and the other is miserable. They only work when both are miserable. [Billy Crystal]
  • What is mine is hers, so let her wash it.
  • Take my ex-wife, please. [Phil Simborg]
  • Don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
  • Anger is not the problem. My wife is. [Lee Ward Shore]
  • Please don't torture yourself, honey. That's my job. [Morticia Adams]
  • The longer it takes me to find Mr. Right, the more he's going to pay for keeping me waiting. [Matt Groening—Life in Hell]
  • What does she want from me? A guy can only pretend to listen so much. [Matt Groening—Life in Hell]
  • We're getting on each other's nerves too much. I think we need to spend more time together. [Matt Groening—Life in Hell]
  • All my friends say I should leave him because he's mean, angry, and abusive. I need to get some new friends. [Matt Groening—Life in Hell]
  • He's very sensitive to my moods. I just wish he didn't cringe so much. [Matt Groening—Life in Hell]
  • It is not a question of how a husband and wife can be equal and alike. It is a question of how they can be equal and different. [Pierre Mornell]
  • Love is not counting the years; it's making the years count.
  • How many husbands have I had? You mean, apart from my own? [Zsa Zsa Gabor]
  • I'm not embarrassed dating a younger woman, except when I drop her off at school.
  • A wedding ring should cut off the wearer's circulation. [Gladiola Montana]
  • Marriage should be a duet; when one sings, the other claps.
  • My husband wanted a room to himself. In Pittsburgh. [Phyllis Diller]
  • One should never know too precisely whom one has married. [Friederich Nietzsche]
  • Our marriage didn't work out. I was a human being and he was a Klingdon. [Carol Liefer]
  • Women like quiet men because they think they're listening.
  • We used to kiss each other on the lips, but it's all over now. [Country Western song]
  • My father didn't talk to my mother for over a year. Of course, he didn't want to interrupt her.
  • By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. [Socrates]
  • I don't understand why people keep saying marriage is doomed. All of mine worked out. [Peter DeVries]
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years and then we met. [Rodney Dangerfield]
  • Shared joy is double joy and shared sorrow is half sorrow. [Swedish Proverb]
  • Before I met my husband I had never been in love, though I had stepped in it a few times. [Rita Rudner]
  • I'm the victim of an unbroken home.
  • My wife said I never listen to her. I think that's what she said. [Drake Sather]
  • A fool and his money are soon married. [Gladiola Montana]
  • I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
  • A woman's word is never done.
  • There is perhaps no surer mark of folly than to attempt to correct natural infirmities of those we love. [Henry Fielding]
  • Let there be spaces in your togetherness. [Kahil Gibran]
  • Alimony is always having to say you're sorry. [Phil Simborg]
  • Women marry men hoping that they can change them, but they don't. Men marry women hoping they will never change, but they do.
  • If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it. [Earnest Hemingway]
  • The greatest cause of infidelity is a stalemate at home.
  • A man can be a fool and not know it--but not if he is married. [H.L. Mencken]
  • It's not love's going hurts my days/But that it went in little ways. [Edna St. Vincent Milay]
  • Variety is the spice of divorce. [Phil Simborg]
  • A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her. [Oscar Wilde]
  • Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? [Rita Rudner]
  • I wash and wear the pants in my family. [Phil Simborg]
  • Instead of getting married again, find a woman you don't like and give her a house. [Pat Paulsen]
  • Love goes without saying. [Phil Simborg]
  • When the trust goes out of a relationship, it's no fun lying anymore.
  • When you're in love, it's the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life. [Richard Lewis]
  • Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. [Robert Frost]
  • I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? [Zsa Zsa Gabor]
  • Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid.
  • Our marriage was tense and now it's past tense.
  • My mother was a very tough woman. She buried two husbands, and one of them was only napping. [Rita Rudner]
  • Even the girl of your dreams can become the ex-wife of your nightmares. [Phil Simborg]
  • A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks you for nothing.
  • Being divorced means knowing how to maintain a rejection. [Phil Simborg]
  • Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers. [Richard Prior]
  • A girl should marry for love and keep on marrying until she finds it. [Zsa Zsa Gabor]
  • There's nothing wrong with promiscuity that a fatal disease wouldn't cure. [Phil Simborg]
  • My husband says I treat him like a god...every meal is a burnt offering. I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

CHILDREN:

  • The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent. [Mell Lazarus]
  • There are only two lasting bequests we can give our children: one is roots, and the other is wings. [Hodding Carter]
  • Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. [Franklin P. Jones]
  • You only owe your children two things: love and hope. [Phil Simborg]
  • My children saved me from toxic self-absorption. [Bill Moyers]
  • You can do anything with children if you play with them.
  • Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.
  • Out of the mouths of babes oftentimes comes drool.
  • The best way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. [Katherine Whitehorn]
  • School days can be the happiest days of your life, if your children are old enough to go.
  • Never raise your hand to your children--it leaves your midsection unprotected. [Fred Allen]
  • You will never regret having spent too much time with your kids. [Richard Moran]
  • Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with the kids.
  • I can govern the United States or I can govern my daughter, Alice, but I can't do both. [Theodore Roosevelt]
  • If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.
  • If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either. [Dick Cavett]
  • There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.

FRIENDSHIP:

  • Friendship, love, success...you can have each only to the extent you are willing to sacrifice the other two. [Phil Simborg]
  • Friendship is almost always the union of part of one mind with part of another; people are friends in spots. [George Santayana]
  • To have a successful relationship, I must make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. [Shanti Goldstein]
  • A friend in need can probably call someone else. Suggest it.
  • I don't want everyone to like me. I should think less of myself if some people did. [Henry James]
  • A friend helps you move. A real friend helps you move bodies.
  • Silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
  • The reward of freindship is itself. The man who hopes for anything else does not understand what true friendship is. [Saint Ailred of Rievaulx]

GENERAL:

  • Superstition brings bad luck.
  • Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.
  • My kid beat up your honor student. [Bumper sticker]
  • I have a different name for golf. It's called, "connect the traps."
  • My favorite animal is prime rib. [Fran Lebowitz]
  • The only gift is a portion of thyself. [Ralph Waldo Emerson]
  • Who do you have to have sex with to get a drink around here? [Albert Einstein]
  • The waist is a terrible thing to mind.
  • It is better to have old, second hand diamonds than none at all. [Mark Twain]
  • A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man
  • who collects the rent.
  • One good turn gets most of the blankets.
  • The only thing you can be sure of in New York is death in taxis. [Phil Simborg]
  • Veujade--the feeling that this has never happened before.
  • If they ever put a surgeon general's warning on a beer can it would read: "Warning, she's no damn good."
  • Behavioral psychology is the science of pulling habits out of rats. [Dr. Doublas Busch]
  • At the feast of egos, everyone leaves hungry.
  • Aaeeeeyaayaaayaaaayaa. [Johnny Weismuller]
  • Parking is such street sorrow.
  • Dr. Livingstone I Presume (Full name of Dr. Presume)
  • There's a reason they call them self-help books--I could make millions writing one! [Rich Hall]
  • Is it progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork? [Stanislaw J. Lec]
  • Sign in a bar: if the waitress looks beautiful to you, don't drive.
  • What do you call a writer without a girlfriend? Homeless.
  • Gluttony is not a secret vice.
  • I went to Jenny Craig. So far I've lost seventy dollars.
  • I think Thanksgiving, therefore I yam. [Phil Simborg]
  • I think Christmas, therefore I ham. [Phil Simborg]
  • They call it a family tree because if you look hard, you'll always find a sap in it.
  • Your own house is at stake when your neighbor's house is on fire. [Horace]
  • He's my favorite kind of musician. He knows how to play the ukulele but he don't. [Wil Rogers]
  • It's not easy to be nice to a paranoid schizophrenic even if he is occupying my body. [Judy Tunuta]
  • Baseball would be a better game if more third basemen would get hit in the mouth by line drives.
  • I never metaphysics I didn't like. [Steve Bhaerman]
  • Evil dwells in moist places. [Sister Mary Olivia]
  • I want to die peacefully and in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like everyone else in the car.
  • I was walking by a construction site and some workman called me a paranoid little wierdo...in Morse code. [Emo Phillips]
  • With enough "ifs" we could put Paris into a bottle.
  • The best throw of the dice is to throw them away. [Austin O'Malley]
  • This is the way God would do it if he only had the money.
  • The best things in life are behind bullet-proof glass. [Rita Rudner]
  • Many people did not care for Pat Buchannon's speach...it probably sounded better in the original German. [Molly Ivins]
  • The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. [Bill Watterson]
  • The biggest problem in Nashville is trying to find clean words that rhyme with "truck."
  • Are there any absolutes in life? Absolutely not! [Steve Bhaerman]
  • There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? [Dick Cavett]
  • My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's about $7 in dog money.
  • Two Jews, three opinions.

IS THIS WHAT THEY REALLY MEANT TO SAY?

  • Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. [Gerald Ford]
  • I've been familiar with many of the people in this room.
  • Don't cut off your nose yourself. [Casey Stengle]
  • The police are here to preserve disorder. [Richard J. Daley]
  • I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-semitism, anti-racism. [George Bush]
  • They gave me a standing observation. [Bill Peterson, Houston Oiler Coach]
  • Special offer: buy one for twice the price and get the other one free. [Ashleigh Brilliant]
  • You're a parasite for sore eyes.
  • How can I know what I think until I hear what I say?
  • What the world needs is more geniuses with humility and there are so few of us left.
  • I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks. [Emo Phillips]
  • When it comes to ruining a painting, he's an artist. [Samuel Goldwyn]
  • We've passed a lot of water since then. [Samuel Goldwyn]
  • Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. [Samuel Goldwyn]
  • It rolls off my back like a duck. [Samuel Goldwyn]
  • Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. [Dan Quayle]
  • Some quiet guys are inwardly outgoing. [Ralph Kiner, Mets broadcaster]
  • Due to the shape of the north American elk's esophagus, even if it could speak, it could not pronounce the word, "lasagna."
  • It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. [Jack Handy]
  • I read part of it all the way through. [Samuel Goldwyn]
  • Boy, those French have a different word for everything. [Steve Martin]
  • It's more than magnificent. It's mediocre! [Samuel Goldwyn]
  • Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. [Tom Waits]
  • I don't want any yes men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. [Samuel Goldwyn]
  • The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. [Jack Handy]
  • Do television evangelists do more than lay people?
  • They laughed at Joan of Arc but she built it anyway. [Gracie Allen]
  • Wagner's music is better than it sounds. [Mark Twain]
  • You need to know what side of the fence you bread is buttered on.
  • This is the worse disaster in California since I was elected. [Governor Pat Brown]
  • It's a question of whether we're going to go forward into the future, or past to the back. [Dan Quayle]
  • This fire extinguisher should be inspected 10 days before every fire.
  • When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. [Jack Handy]
  • When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
  • Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I asked myself, "Where the hell is my roof?"
  • Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. [Emo Phillips]
  • Sometimes it is necessary to repeat yourself to make a point. Sometimes. [Phil Simborg]
  • A good way to please someone is to do something they don't like...then stop.
  • Family Planning--please use rear entrance. [sign on a health care facility]
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. [Jack Handy]
  • I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
  • Either this wallpaper goes or I do. [Oscar Wilde's last words]
  • Who's Virginia? [Rose Kennedy's response when asked why her daughter-in-law Joan lived in Boston while her son Ted stayed in Virginia.]
  • The child molester skipped breakfast but said he'd pick up a little something on the way to work. [George Carlin]
  • She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I had ever come across. [George Carlin]
  • I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination. [George Carlin]
  • What year did Jesus think it wasy? . [George Carlin]
  • George Washington's brother was the Uncle of our Country. [George Carlin]
  • The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. [George Carlin]
  • They couldn't find the artist so they hung the picture.
  • How high can a man stoop? [Noel Coward, when Eddie Fisher left Debbie Reynolds for Liz Taylor]
  • I hate quotations. [Ralph Waldo Emerson]
  • Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
  • Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name. [Henry Kissinger]
  • We made too many wrong mistakes. [Yogi Berra]
  • Baseball is 90% mental, and the other half is physical. [Yogi Berra]
  • We are faced with insurmountable opportunities
  • If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's going to stop them. [Yogi Berra]
  • When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it. [Yogi Berra]
  • Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded. [Yogi Berra]
  • This is like dejaveu all over again. [Yogi Berra]
  • The similarities between me and my father are different. [Dale Berra]
  • I used to be Snow White but I drifted. [Mae West]
  • Ouch! That felt good.
  • I can not tell you how grateful I am. I am filled with humidity.
  • One and one does not necessarily make 11.
  • I want to hear it so quiet we could hear a mouse dropping.
  • I'm for abolishing and doing away with redundancy.
  • I love the woman's movement...especially when I'm walking behind it.
  • Learn to shoot yourself. [NRA flyer]
  • Bad spellers of the world, untie!
  • Isn't there another part of the matzo you can eat? [Marily Monroe after being served Matzo Ball soup 3 nites in a row.]
  • Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  • They couldn't hit an elephant from this dist-- [Last words of U.S. General John Sedgwick, 1812-1864]
  • The most fattening thing you can put on an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
  • Help! My son, the doctor is drowning! [Jewish mother]
  • We're all in this alone. [Lilly Tomlin]
  • Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary
  • Change is inevitable... except from a vending machine.
  • I was really sick; I took a turn for the nurse.
  • May the wind at your back never be your own.
  • One more drink and I'll be under the host. [Dorothy Parker]
  • I'm no different from anybody else with two arms, two legs, and forty-two-hundred hits. [Pete Rose]
  • Living hell is the best revenge. [Phil Simborg]
  • I've told you a million times: don't exaggerate.
  • If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.
  • Vini, Vidi, Visa: we came, we saw, we shopped.
  • As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then to get my own apartment.
  • Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. [Richard Lewis]
  • The days of the digital watch are numbered.
  • Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. [Poncho Villa's last words]
  • Call me apathetic if you want, I don't care.
  • You have just captured my heart and about three other organs.
  • You're never too old to learn something stupid.
  • The waist is a terrible thing to mind.
  • It is better to copulate than never.
  • New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. [David Letterman]
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  • What's another word for "thesaurus"? [Steven Wright]
  • This page is intentionally left blank.
  • Oy to the world. [Jewish Christmas Carol]
  • Are you a man or a mouse? Squeak up!
  • I feel like a million tonight, but one at a time. [Mae West]
  • What if there were no hypotheticals?
  • My doctor says I've got a cute vagina.
  • My wife can't have children. She's inconceivable.
  • What I love about being Jewish is arguing with people I agree with. [Phil Simborg]
  • Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is someone like Norman Einstein. [Joe Theisman]
  • You are where you eat. [Phil Simborg]
  • I am a unique individual. Just like everyone else. [Shanti Goldstein]
  • I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
  • I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose. [S.I. Hayakawa]
  • Visualize whirrled peas.
  • The Pope is inflammable.
  • Me fail English? That's unpossible! [Ralph Wiggum]
  • No man is in Ireland.
  • There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't.
  • Everybody I ever meet from Minnesota had blond hair and blue ears. [Lou Hotlz]
  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
  • Tools are made to be broken.
  • Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I let him sleep.
  • I would like to have the heart of a small child. I would keep it in a jar on my desk. [Shanti Goldstein]
  • My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass? [Shanti Goldstein]
  • Of all the nasty, low down, foul, dirty schemes I've ever heard, I like yours the best.
  • Even when my mother was 88 she never used glasses--she drank right out of the bottle. [Henny Youngman]
  • I've had my arm broken in two places. I'm going to stay away from those two places. [Henny Youngman]
  • I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got in my nose.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

INSULTS:

  • I think it's really cute that you're a feminist.
  • I do not wish to speak ill of a person behind his back, but I believe he's an attorney. [Samuel Johnson]
  • It's not nice to make fun of fat people--but what the hell, they can't catch you.
  • Midgets are the last to know when it's raining. [Larry Tucker]
  • You certainly take a long time making your pointless.
  • I only have two words for her: plastic surgery.
  • She had Van Gogh's ear for music.
  • If someone asks me for spare change, I tell them it's at home in my spare wallet. [Nick Arnette]
  • Las Vegas...it's a Mexican word....it means, "Move."
  • I see a lot of familiar facelifts around this room.
  • He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
  • What part of http/kissmya**.com dont you understand ?
  • You might have been bred in Texas but here you're just another crumb.
  • Any time you pass by my door I'd sure appreciate it.
  • I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. I have your letter in front of me. Soon it will be behind me.
  • Your name keeps coming up (with a lot of other things).
  • Spending time with Phil Simborg always makes me feel so much better about myself.
  • It is a great honor to address such a distinguished group all of whom are smarter than I. All of whom put together, that is.
  • Thank you for your most objective presentation of your own point of view.
  • Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Milwaukee. Please set your watches back 50 years.
  • My wife said we don't communicate well. I told her to shut up.
  • I want you to know you are very close to a fool.
  • You and I will have to go hunting together sometime.
  • Have you been working with glue today?
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she always finds her way home. [Henny Youngman]
  • He would argue with a signpost.
  • Could I drop you off somewhere--maybe the roof? [Henny Youngman]
  • I've had a wonderful time but this isn't it.
  • What's on your mind, if you don't mind the overstatement.
  • If you've come for a battle of wits, don't come half-prepared.
  • After finding no qualified candidates for principal, we are pleased to announce the appointment of Mr. James Coldwell.
  • A fool and his money are soon....hey, where's my wallet?
  • You and the CEO have something in common. You've both gone as far as you can in this company.
  • When your I.Q. hits 50, sell.
  • Will Rogers would hate this guy.
  • He could walk into an empty room and blend right in.
  • Next time you pass by my door, I'd certainly appreciate it.
  • If you see two people talking and one of them looks bored, he's the other.
  • His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
  • His oars don't reach the water.
  • He's smarter than he looks.
  • He's got too much yardage between the goalposts.
  • A few clowns short of a circus
  • A few fries short of a Happy Meal
  • A few beers short of a six pack
  • Dumber than a box of hair
  • A few peas short of a casserole
  • All foam, no beer
  • Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
  • He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down
  • His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
  • His belt doesn't go through all the loops
  • If he had another brain, it would be lonely
  • Missing a few buttons on his remote control
  • No grain in the silo
  • Too much yardage between the goal posts

BUMPER STICKERS

  • Visualize whirled peas.
  • Forget about world peace, visualize your turn signal.
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
  • I love animals--they taste great.
  • Keep honking, I'm reloading.
  • When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
  • Superstition brings bad luck.
  • The waist is a terrible thing to mind.
  • Parking is such street sorrow.
  • Do television evangelists do more than lay people?
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • I do whatever the voices in my head tell me to do.
  • Learn to shoot yourself. [NRA flyer]
  • I love the woman's movement...especially when I'm walking behind it.
  • May the wind at your back never be your own.
  • Vevi, Vidi, Visa: we came, we saw, we shopped.
  • The days of the digital watch are numbered.
  • Call me apathetic if you want, I don't care.
  • The Pope is inflammable.
  • No man is in Ireland.
  • Jesus saves; Moses invests.
  • Jesus loves you, but I think you're an asshole.
  • Thank you for not being perky

 

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