At Wendy Kaplanīs a couple of years ago, I was asked to give a toast on New Year's Eve:
A BACKGAMMON NEW YEAR TOAST
By Phil Simborg
To all my backgammon friends, Poems, By Phil Simborg
And all my backgammon foes:
I wish you a year full of pleasure,
Both in and out of your clothes.
I wish you many primes,
And sixes up the kazoo,
And win a bunch of gammons
Except when I'm playing you.
May your opponents always be polite,
And the game always be fun,
With a laugh of two along the way,
And a little extra cash when you're done.
Yes, I wish you a most happy year--
Love, prosperity, and Godspeed,
Oh, and if you are ever playing me:
I hope I crush you 'till you bleed!
SOMETHING FUNNY
Something funny hit me the other day:
Three nuns and a rabbi in a Chevrolet!
I didn't think it was funny till the very next day,
When I tried to tell some friends how I got this way.
I guess, when it happens, you can't be objective...
It takes a little time to get a perspective;
So though I've lost both my legs and all my money,
I guess I have to admit, it was really very funny.
GETTING FIT
Two fat men and two fat women
Ran three miles and then went swinnin';
Did some stretching and took a shower,
Then drank beer for half an hour;
Ate three pizzas, twelve large tacos,
Five big plates of gooey nachos.
One said, "Gee, don't we look thinner!"
Then they all went home for dinner.
TRIPPING
I'll take you to Tahiti,
Gibraltar or Bombay,
New Zealand, Paris, Katmandu,
If only you will pay.
SHOW ME
Show me a ten-year
Marriage that's through,
And I'll show you a man
With two kids,
At the zoo.
LIMITATIONS
It's because of aids and herpes,
Gonorrhea, crabs and such,
That I know that I love sex,
But I'll never know how much.
GOODBYE
Your cooking stinks,
You leave your bras in the sinks,
Your dirty undies on the floor,
I can't take it any more!
I hate to say this,
But we're through...
I just can't love
A man like you.
ONCE MORE WITH FEELING
I love your tits and ass,
And all that's in the middle.
You said you wanted romance...
I hope this helps a little.
CORONATION
Love brings joy and peace forever,
Hearts are always true,
Once you love, it falters never,
And I'm the King of Timbucktu.
NO BED OF ROSES
Searching for someone to love,
Ain't no bed of roses....
Never knew so many ladies
Had such ugly noses.
Never saw so much fat...
So many bad complexions;
Never saw so many warts,
Bad breath, bad hair, infections.
No, I never saw so much ugly,
Since I looked into the mirror!